I haven't updated this in a while. I don't know if that's because I'm feeling better about everything or simply because with everything else going on in my life I just don't have the time or the energy.


I started reflexology on the 6th of July and I'm now going on to my 5th session. I like it. It's probably the more enjoyable of alternative therapies I have tried. I don't know if it's having any effect as of yet I am to see the benefit of anything I try. I think like a lot of things I will wonder if all the time, energy and money when I eventually end up pregnant actually paid any part in where I end up. Maybe if it happened within a month or so I would believe it.

For me it is actually strange that I am approaching any kind of alternative therapy full stop. I know that there is a basis behind their theories and they must work otherwise they wouldn't be as ancient as they are and would have died out years ago, but I think I will put most of my trust in western medicine. Which frankly hasn't got me anywhere yet.

I have started doing yoga and it's ok, being a netballer and a runner it's so so so weird for me to lay on the floor for 5 minutes with my eyes shut and my arms out to my side whilst I concentrate on my breathing. Usually I'm concentrating on actually breathing. Period. I don't know how to relax, I don't know if that's partly because I always have somewhere I need to be or something I need to do or just that it's not in my nature. I have always been told that if I'm sat in front of the tv that I am wasting my time and should be doing something useful so that's what I do. Be it go to the gym, cleaning the house, doing the laundry. I always have to be doing something. I'm hoping that with practice this will come.

My next hospital appointment is in a week. I'm anxious, but I already know what the outcome will be "just keep doing what you're doing". I'm planning on asking if I can try an IUI. Even if I don't get pregnant I need to feel like I'm doing everything I can. It's just the same as any woman who after sex lays there with her legs in the air. Scientifically it's not going to make any difference, but we still do it, just to feel like we are doing something. I hope they let me do it because frankly I am so over clomid. I know they wanted to start me on metformin, but I have been taking that for 3 months so far and not a sausage.

Maybe next time....

1st anniversary

So today is our first anniversary.

I should be happy, but as usual I'm not. We have been together 12yrs and married for 1yr. This time last year I didn't know that there was anything medically wrong with me, but I had a good idea what with trying to conceive for 3.5yrs at that point and nothing happening.

Now I know there is something wrong with me and they plan to keep me on clomid for another 6 months. I almost wish that the doctors weren't sure what was wrong so that the ball would get rolling quicker. I honestly and truthfully think the only way I will end up pregnant is by IVF and god knows how long the wait is for that; I'd have to get referred first. Definitely another 6 months :-(

I'm at the stage now where I wish I had never dared to want a child. I hope one day I will wake up and find that this was all a bad dream.

I guess there really is something to be said for why you shouldn't read your husbands text messages.

Earlier we walked along the beach up and down at about 4 times (it's only half a mile long and with all this rich carribean food I need all the exercise I can get! I'm even walking up and down 4 flights of stairs to get to our room, but we have a pretty good view so it's worth it) and we were talking about whether or not I thought I could be pregnant. I said I doubted it, but you'd never know. When we get back from our walk I went to pee and there it was AF.

Already feeling a bit miserable Jim said he would go to the hotel's shop and buy me some chocolate. He left his phone I picked it up feeling fairly nosey and read his text messages. There was any particularly exciting, but there was one from our brother in law (who frankly I can't stand). It said I emailed you pictures last night. I know I shouldn't be upset about this, but I would rather Jim told me rather than trying to protect me. If he had at least told me I could have decided if I didn't want to see the pictures or not rather than feeling like I'm being left out of it all. His reply was she's beautiful. I don't know why I'm pissed off, but I hate the way he sounds so casual about it and doesn't say she's beautiful, but don't fucking email me pictures  my wife is infertile and we want a baby and in the 4.5yrs we're been trying you have whipped up two!

They were litterally here with us in Jamaica 5 days short of a year ago when Jim's mum told me that they were going to start trying for another baby when they got back to the UK. That baby was born 2 weeks ago tomorrow.

We always used to be close with my sister and brother in law,  but things started to change when Steve (bil) asked my (Jocelyn (sil) to marry him. I could never understand why Jim hadn't asked me and why Steve loved Jo more than Jim loved me. They had been together 6yrs and we had been together 7yrs. I always think I'm not good enough and this really isn't helping either.

They got married on September 19th 2008. By March Jim was showing me a text message from his dad announcing that he was going to be an uncle. I would sit there and cry and cry and it broke my heart that my in-laws would think that their baby would be their first grandchild. My SIL and BIL are the kind of people that travel the world. They have been to Russia, Uganda, Vietnam, they lived in rural China for a year and Washing DC for 2yrs. They have never been particularly settled and either now they're talking about moving to South America if Steve can find a job there. Frankly I hope they go. Because I was so upset about Jim's sister being pregnant Jim asked me to marry him. It was supposed to be romantic in the Dominican republic on the beach at night with fire flies in the background. Instead a dog turned up and I hadn't had a rabbies shot  and wasn't in the market to get it. We went back to our room and Jim produced a ring and said put this on for me. Technically he never actually asked me.

I managed to convince Jim that a baby was what I wanted and we agreed we'd try to have one before we got married. At first I'd get my period and think OK maybe next time. I thought it would be fine as long as I managed to get pregnant before Jo moved back to the UK from DC. I knew I wasn't going to be able to cope if I had to see her and I wasn't pregnant. She came home in October 2010 I didn't see her until December 2011. I didn't want to do it then either and the only reason I did was they were having Eleanor christened and I couldn't really not go to a family occasion. I sat in the car and cried on the way there and Jim said I didn't have to do it, but I felt like I did and there wasn't a lot of choice.  It wasn't that bad, but I was very quiet and didn't want to talk to anyone. It turned out Jim had told his dad I had an abortion and he kept asking me if I was OK.

Well Jo has now had 2 babies and I can't even get one. I'm not sure why life turned out this way or how this is supposed to be fair. All I know is I'm fed up of crying and not feeling like I'm fulfilled in my life. All I ever wanted was to me a mum and I don't this its ever going to happen.

I'll ask it again. How is this fair?

Today has not been a good day.

I have been rushed off my feet at work with an intern sat next to me who doesn't know his arse from his elbow and spends all day thinking that he is getting away with browsing the net when I know very well he hasn't found those snare drums I ask him to look for.

Since I've been taking metformin I am usually OK, but sometimes I feel a bit queasy. Tonight was one of those nights. Jim asked me if I wanted anything nice for dinner and he produces chicken stir fry. Usually that's good, sometimes it's even very good. Metformin has changed this for me and now it just smells like a load of vegetables that have been pulled up from the ground and makes me feel like I'm going to vom. So rather than being my usual polite self and eating it without a fuss. I said I told you last week stir fry makes me feel sick. You just don't listen to me. I was quickly told to fuck off where upon I retorted that I will if he keeps producing those kind of meals. Basically one thing lead to another and when I told him to go fuck himself he said I might have to because you're not going to I said I know because I fucking hate you.

I don't know whats wrong with me, well obviously I do the only thing I've ever wanted is being denied to me by nature and I'm finding it so so difficult to cope with. I'm like everyone else who is going through this nightmare. I have good days and I have bad days. As long as no one mentions babies or I don't see anything that upsets me (usually my sister in laws constant updates about what her kids have done now. Like my 4yr old just shit in her pants, isn't that cute? No not really. Well she doesn't actually say that,  but the 4yr old does do it and she's soooooooo advanced for her age!!) I think I'm going slightly off topic here.

I've been making myself a blanket, one that I would have thought was too hard for me to even consider, but someone on the facebook group, I think it might have been Mandi said you can do it, so I thought I'd try and it's beautiful. I was sat on the floor in the living room trying to finish one edge of the boarder and I just started crying, because this beautiful blanket may never get used. I told Jim he should give it to his sister as at least she has a baby that could use it. He said he would rather let the dog use it if we can't have a baby.

I know Kathy says to me that I'm one step closer to a BFP with everything I try, but it's been over 4yrs and in that time I've had at least 52 periods which is 52 different disappointments. I think in my heart I know she is right, but my head is so stubborn I can't see it. I'm at the stage now where I don't want to tell Jim when I get a negative or a period because I'm a failure and I don't want to have to tell him I failed again and I feel so guilty that he married me. I know we're in this together and he says he doesn't mind if we don't have kids, but I do mind. I would never want him to go without something when he could so easily have it with someone else.

I was supposed to be giving up coke, I've done really well and have only had water for virtually a week. Well today has been totally shit. So I'm treating myself to a caffeine free diet coke. Whoppee-Do!!

I don't know what everyone else feels like, but I feel I am jumping through all the hoops and get nowhere.

Maybe one day this blog won't be me feeling sorry for myself. Sorry x

And like to take a minute, just sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the woman who's sure life aint fair!

Well I'm sure this is going to be the first of many blogs to come. I have been trying to conceive for over 4yrs and hating every minute of it. 


It seems strange to remember that December the 13th was a Monday or that 17th 2004 was a Friday, but I do. I wish I didn't, but they're dates that I will always remember and wish had never happened. 

I spent around 3yrs with my bf who is now my husband being a bit lax in using contraception (I laugh now when I think back to how I didn't want to go on birth control as it might later hinder any chances I had of becoming pregnant). I was at work one day and I asked my friend who was popping into town to pick up some tampax for me as I was sure that I was going to get my period that day as I was experiencing really bad cramping and at the time that didn't seem strange as I had always suffered with cramps around that time of the month. This was in later September and that box of tampons wouldn't get opened until January. I remember thinking this can't be happening what the hell am I going to do? What are my parents going to say? At the time I was living in a house with 3 friends, 2 girls and a guy and had a shitty job working in a bowling alley, which paid the bills, but certainly wasn't going to support a child. One of the girls was also about to move back into her mums house which effectively left the rest of homeless as we couldn't make the rent and I would have to move back to my parents for the next 2yrs. 

I did test after test (8 x clear blue) and each time got a negative. I didn't know what was going on and I remember every day popping to the loo and hoping and praying that I would find blood and that I wouldn't be pregnant. I went to the doctors and said I haven't had a period, I think I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a positive test. He made me give a urine sample it was sent to the lab and the results were ready a week later. I had told my friend that I lived and worked with that I thought I was pregnant and I'd have to call up on the Friday for the results. I called them and I still remember being sat on my bed and making the call and the receptionist saying positive, is that ok and me saying it's going to have to be. I ran myself a bath sat in it and put my hand over my stomach and said to it that it would all be OK and that I would look after it. My friend asked me if I'd called when she got home from work and since I hadn't told Jim I didn't want to tell her. So I said no - her response was I knew you wouldn't. Some friend eh?

Jim came round that evening and I told him in the kitchen and he stood them and hugged me and said it would be OK. I don't know why, but my sister was there, but hadn't heard the conversation. All I wanted to do was to tell her to go away.

I knew Jim wanted me to get rid of the baby, I don't think he exactly said as much, but I remember trying so hard to get past what I thought was the legal limit of 12 weeks for a termination. His argument was we didn't live together, we weren't financially secure and it wouldn't be fair to bring a child up in that environment. Even now I think it's because he was scared of what his parents would say about him being 21 and a father. 

I went to Marie Stope's which is an abortion clinic in Reading on a Monday evening and there was another young girl in the clinic with her friend. Its strange I remember so much of this. I told Jim that if he wanted me to get rid of the baby he would have to see it on the ultrasound; I think that was my way of punishing him for making me do it. I was 13 weeks exactly when I had that scan so even my holding out wasn't going to help. I was booked in for the abortion for the Friday, 17th December. A whole week before Christmas which I had to spend at my parents pretending I was ok. 

The morning of the abortion I got up took a shower and somehow don't ask how I got the end of a towel wet and it whipped a glass of water I had on my bedside table and smashed the glass. I'll probably always remember that. Jim drove me to the clinic and sat with me in the waiting room until they called my name. I remember seeing a girl with her dad and she couldn't have been older than 13. I also remember seeing an asian woman, possibly muslim or a hindu and being a bit shocked that she was there because of her religion, but who knows if she was there of her own accord or if she had been forced into it.

Because I was over 6 weeks I couldn't take a pill I had to have a general anesthetic and have the foetus removed by suction. I guess I should have realised, but I was told to take nightwear with me and took my pj's only to find that they do the procedure in your night dress. I had a problem so was given a gown to wear that showed my arse to all the world. I had to change in the disabled toilet and was yelled at by a woman who frankly shouldn't be working in an abortion clinic. I was told to go to the bed on the end and I had dropped my shoe which went under the first bed and when I was on my knees trying to find it she yelled "I told you" that bed and pointed to the end bed "not that bed". All I wanted to do was turn round and punch her. I remember being taken up for the procedure and all the way crying. I have never wanted to do anything less. 

I woke up downstairs in a bed with the woman who yelled at me standing over me and I heard the word girl. I swear I did. I don't know what she was trying to tell me as I was still really groggy, but I hate her for it as it always made me wonder. I was so pissed off when I got home because all I wanted to do was to forget and go to sleep and I couldn't sleep. I loved being pregnant and just laying down and that was it I'd be gone. I needed to be able to do it that night and I couldn't. Jim didn't stay with me that night and now when I look back at it I think I hate him for that. Maybe at the time I didn't care because I felt like he had forced me into it and I didn't want his company. We're supposed to be a team, but I think then is probably the only time we have batted for a different side. He won, I lost.

The abortion absolutely kills me. I worry constantly now that I can't get pregnant about whether or not that wasn't just a baby it was a miracle and I just didn't know it and I'm not going to get another chance at it. This baby would have been 8yrs old this year, June 25th was my due date. I don't think Jim realises how hard this is for me and no amount of explaining is going to make him understand. I can't articulate it without feeling like he is frustrated with me so I usually don't say anything, but he knows I'm unhappy he just asumes that its because I'm not pregnant, not that there is an aching hole in my heart that no matter how hard I try to feel just won't go away.

Sorry for whining and maybe my next blog will be a bit happier.