Shopping

So, last night we went to the town where I had my scan before the abortion. We go there a lot and most of the time I'm fine. It's only when we're walking over a bridge to the car park and I see the cinema and the lights outside that I'm reminded of it.

It looks exactly the same as it did and it makes me feel miserable, guilt and despair that I can't get pregnant. Strange how one thing can remind you of something. Jim obviously was asking me what was wrong and he's asked me before when we've been there at night and I've told him. This time I just said I'm fine. He knows though. I've just pulled a box down from my wardrobe which has my baby uggs in them and I honestly just feel like giving them away to someone who can actually use them. I've had them almost 2 years after buying them in a sale. I've got knitted clothing and blankets and I just want everything gone now. I have no idea why I put myself through this. 

There's an app for that!!

I hardly ever update my blog...there I said it I'm crap! Buuuuuut I just found that there's an app for it so I will try and do it more often. 

I never have time, I'm either at work or at home flat out knitting for expectant mothers, at netball or some other displacement activity.

I'm 3 days in on my last cycle of birth control and tbh I have quite enjoyed knowing I won't get pregnant without all the hoping and stress of I "might" get pregnant. There's more chance of me getting rid of Oscar than there is of that happening. 

I feel like I should explain myself, I am not a bad person. I am a struggling person with few people to talk to. I have made a couple of good friends during this journey but they too are equally struggling. I closed my Facebook account, I did this because I'd realised my life was miserable enough without making myself feel even worse looking at the lives of my friends unfolding exactly how they wanted. Two girls who I was good friends with at school married around the same time I did and they both now have baby daughters. It's so depressing. Those that aren't pregnant are getting engaged, flying around the world, new jobs, cars etc. Not one of them has advertised that their boyfriend has cheated on them or that their lives are just as crap as mine. I do feel bad for closing it suddenly as it must have looked as though I was jealous of the girls in a Facebook group I started but I wasn't I was truly happy for them. Like I said I'm just really struggling trying to get myself to a point where I'm just ok. I hardly ever updated my Facebook status, I'd stopped putting pictures up and really only used Instagram for that. I just snapped and thought why an I torturing myself looking at this and so I closed it. I miss my girls, but they're in a very different place with their journey now and I don't want to be the one who's always miserable (because I am - you wouldn't know it to talk to me but I can cry without a moments notice) and having them feel guilty for being pregnant. Out of sight out of mind.