Today has not been a good day.

I have been rushed off my feet at work with an intern sat next to me who doesn't know his arse from his elbow and spends all day thinking that he is getting away with browsing the net when I know very well he hasn't found those snare drums I ask him to look for.

Since I've been taking metformin I am usually OK, but sometimes I feel a bit queasy. Tonight was one of those nights. Jim asked me if I wanted anything nice for dinner and he produces chicken stir fry. Usually that's good, sometimes it's even very good. Metformin has changed this for me and now it just smells like a load of vegetables that have been pulled up from the ground and makes me feel like I'm going to vom. So rather than being my usual polite self and eating it without a fuss. I said I told you last week stir fry makes me feel sick. You just don't listen to me. I was quickly told to fuck off where upon I retorted that I will if he keeps producing those kind of meals. Basically one thing lead to another and when I told him to go fuck himself he said I might have to because you're not going to I said I know because I fucking hate you.

I don't know whats wrong with me, well obviously I do the only thing I've ever wanted is being denied to me by nature and I'm finding it so so difficult to cope with. I'm like everyone else who is going through this nightmare. I have good days and I have bad days. As long as no one mentions babies or I don't see anything that upsets me (usually my sister in laws constant updates about what her kids have done now. Like my 4yr old just shit in her pants, isn't that cute? No not really. Well she doesn't actually say that,  but the 4yr old does do it and she's soooooooo advanced for her age!!) I think I'm going slightly off topic here.

I've been making myself a blanket, one that I would have thought was too hard for me to even consider, but someone on the facebook group, I think it might have been Mandi said you can do it, so I thought I'd try and it's beautiful. I was sat on the floor in the living room trying to finish one edge of the boarder and I just started crying, because this beautiful blanket may never get used. I told Jim he should give it to his sister as at least she has a baby that could use it. He said he would rather let the dog use it if we can't have a baby.

I know Kathy says to me that I'm one step closer to a BFP with everything I try, but it's been over 4yrs and in that time I've had at least 52 periods which is 52 different disappointments. I think in my heart I know she is right, but my head is so stubborn I can't see it. I'm at the stage now where I don't want to tell Jim when I get a negative or a period because I'm a failure and I don't want to have to tell him I failed again and I feel so guilty that he married me. I know we're in this together and he says he doesn't mind if we don't have kids, but I do mind. I would never want him to go without something when he could so easily have it with someone else.

I was supposed to be giving up coke, I've done really well and have only had water for virtually a week. Well today has been totally shit. So I'm treating myself to a caffeine free diet coke. Whoppee-Do!!

I don't know what everyone else feels like, but I feel I am jumping through all the hoops and get nowhere.

Maybe one day this blog won't be me feeling sorry for myself. Sorry x