And like to take a minute, just sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the woman who's sure life aint fair!

Well I'm sure this is going to be the first of many blogs to come. I have been trying to conceive for over 4yrs and hating every minute of it. 


It seems strange to remember that December the 13th was a Monday or that 17th 2004 was a Friday, but I do. I wish I didn't, but they're dates that I will always remember and wish had never happened. 

I spent around 3yrs with my bf who is now my husband being a bit lax in using contraception (I laugh now when I think back to how I didn't want to go on birth control as it might later hinder any chances I had of becoming pregnant). I was at work one day and I asked my friend who was popping into town to pick up some tampax for me as I was sure that I was going to get my period that day as I was experiencing really bad cramping and at the time that didn't seem strange as I had always suffered with cramps around that time of the month. This was in later September and that box of tampons wouldn't get opened until January. I remember thinking this can't be happening what the hell am I going to do? What are my parents going to say? At the time I was living in a house with 3 friends, 2 girls and a guy and had a shitty job working in a bowling alley, which paid the bills, but certainly wasn't going to support a child. One of the girls was also about to move back into her mums house which effectively left the rest of homeless as we couldn't make the rent and I would have to move back to my parents for the next 2yrs. 

I did test after test (8 x clear blue) and each time got a negative. I didn't know what was going on and I remember every day popping to the loo and hoping and praying that I would find blood and that I wouldn't be pregnant. I went to the doctors and said I haven't had a period, I think I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a positive test. He made me give a urine sample it was sent to the lab and the results were ready a week later. I had told my friend that I lived and worked with that I thought I was pregnant and I'd have to call up on the Friday for the results. I called them and I still remember being sat on my bed and making the call and the receptionist saying positive, is that ok and me saying it's going to have to be. I ran myself a bath sat in it and put my hand over my stomach and said to it that it would all be OK and that I would look after it. My friend asked me if I'd called when she got home from work and since I hadn't told Jim I didn't want to tell her. So I said no - her response was I knew you wouldn't. Some friend eh?

Jim came round that evening and I told him in the kitchen and he stood them and hugged me and said it would be OK. I don't know why, but my sister was there, but hadn't heard the conversation. All I wanted to do was to tell her to go away.

I knew Jim wanted me to get rid of the baby, I don't think he exactly said as much, but I remember trying so hard to get past what I thought was the legal limit of 12 weeks for a termination. His argument was we didn't live together, we weren't financially secure and it wouldn't be fair to bring a child up in that environment. Even now I think it's because he was scared of what his parents would say about him being 21 and a father. 

I went to Marie Stope's which is an abortion clinic in Reading on a Monday evening and there was another young girl in the clinic with her friend. Its strange I remember so much of this. I told Jim that if he wanted me to get rid of the baby he would have to see it on the ultrasound; I think that was my way of punishing him for making me do it. I was 13 weeks exactly when I had that scan so even my holding out wasn't going to help. I was booked in for the abortion for the Friday, 17th December. A whole week before Christmas which I had to spend at my parents pretending I was ok. 

The morning of the abortion I got up took a shower and somehow don't ask how I got the end of a towel wet and it whipped a glass of water I had on my bedside table and smashed the glass. I'll probably always remember that. Jim drove me to the clinic and sat with me in the waiting room until they called my name. I remember seeing a girl with her dad and she couldn't have been older than 13. I also remember seeing an asian woman, possibly muslim or a hindu and being a bit shocked that she was there because of her religion, but who knows if she was there of her own accord or if she had been forced into it.

Because I was over 6 weeks I couldn't take a pill I had to have a general anesthetic and have the foetus removed by suction. I guess I should have realised, but I was told to take nightwear with me and took my pj's only to find that they do the procedure in your night dress. I had a problem so was given a gown to wear that showed my arse to all the world. I had to change in the disabled toilet and was yelled at by a woman who frankly shouldn't be working in an abortion clinic. I was told to go to the bed on the end and I had dropped my shoe which went under the first bed and when I was on my knees trying to find it she yelled "I told you" that bed and pointed to the end bed "not that bed". All I wanted to do was turn round and punch her. I remember being taken up for the procedure and all the way crying. I have never wanted to do anything less. 

I woke up downstairs in a bed with the woman who yelled at me standing over me and I heard the word girl. I swear I did. I don't know what she was trying to tell me as I was still really groggy, but I hate her for it as it always made me wonder. I was so pissed off when I got home because all I wanted to do was to forget and go to sleep and I couldn't sleep. I loved being pregnant and just laying down and that was it I'd be gone. I needed to be able to do it that night and I couldn't. Jim didn't stay with me that night and now when I look back at it I think I hate him for that. Maybe at the time I didn't care because I felt like he had forced me into it and I didn't want his company. We're supposed to be a team, but I think then is probably the only time we have batted for a different side. He won, I lost.

The abortion absolutely kills me. I worry constantly now that I can't get pregnant about whether or not that wasn't just a baby it was a miracle and I just didn't know it and I'm not going to get another chance at it. This baby would have been 8yrs old this year, June 25th was my due date. I don't think Jim realises how hard this is for me and no amount of explaining is going to make him understand. I can't articulate it without feeling like he is frustrated with me so I usually don't say anything, but he knows I'm unhappy he just asumes that its because I'm not pregnant, not that there is an aching hole in my heart that no matter how hard I try to feel just won't go away.

Sorry for whining and maybe my next blog will be a bit happier.